Interior Torment
by Yalasay Ti'Rean
Summary: It´s Katans thoughts, his prayers to god, his own expressions of feelings, he had, before he delivered Rosiel-sama, and after he set him free.
1. Default Chapter

Interior torn  
  
In know, I should´n t be doing this. So, how can I? I know, I ´ll be blamed for it, but I feel like I have to do this. I´m in his dept, for he made me, what I am now. Nobody knows, but he, he knows, and I. I hate war. I hate this war. And all of this bloody fight. I can´t stop it, but I can do something. I can decide, on which side I am standing. I hope, you can forgive me, God, but there ist one person, an angel, I love more than you, and I have to deliver him from his dark jail. Yes, I love Rosiel-sama, and I´m feeling bad for it, but he gave me this live. It has been Rosiel, who made me, what I am, who made me an angel, who gave me a chance to live. And I´m asking you, God, could it be wrong, if a son loves his father, and if he would be willing to do everything for him? I want to settle my depts in this way. Sp, please, please forgive me, what I´m going to do now, forgive me this mistake and don´t blame me for doing it. Perhaps this will be the way, to terminate the bloody war, that reigns in heaven. I´ve waited a long time know, hoping for your help, hoping that you at least will finish this cruel murdering, but you didn´t. This is, why I decided to set Rosiel-sama free. He is the one, that can bring peace back in Heaven, and also on earth. He´s the one, who can fight Alexiel, who awaked a few time before. So now I told you, why I must do it, I have no choice. I just hope, you can understand it. [Author's comment: hope that wasn´t toooo much feeling and thoughts???]  
  
Rosiel is free now. I hesitated. In the end, I wans´t really sure about doing it. About delivering Rosiel - sama, I mean. And I´m still not sure, if it was really right. Though I´m feeling safe, when he is around me. Safer than ever before. Nothing can happen to me, if Rosiel don´t want it. But what if Rosiel doesn´t need me any more? Does he love, or almost like me? Do I mean anything to him? And does he know, how much he means to me? Tell me, God, I pray to you. But you don´t give me any answers. You never gave me answers, just more questions. And you don't´s speak to me anymore. Perhaps that´s what I gain, I don´t know. Maybe you have already judged about me. I always tried to do the best, to be a good man, to be a good angel. But sometimes it is so hard, to do the right things. So I´m back at the beginning of my prayer, back where I started. Unsecure, not knowing, If I did good, or if I mad a mistake. Not knowing, where I belong to, just following my instincts and my feelings. But there is one last question I have, an I really ask you to answer. If it is wrong, to follow his feelings, why do you give it to us? Why do you give us feelings, if you know, they will hurt us, if you know, they can lead us to do wrong things? Why do you annoy us? Isn´t there enough pain in heaven and in earth, that you have torture us like this?  
  
Amen 


	2. Listen to your heart

Chapter 2  
  
Without realizing it, Katan has moved with his lips, he had really spoken out his last thoughts. And he even didn't notice the present, that appeared behind him. Still in lost in his thoughts, he whispered his questions, gazed up in the deep black sky, there where he know could be either paradise or hell. He watched the blinking stars whispering questions he knew he wouldn't get answered. Neither from God- if he really existed- nor from anyone else. Then he looked down, down on the street, down this really big building where he was standing on the top of. And he saw all this movements of the people, which seemed to be as little as ants. The felt secure in there little world, but they where just some stump little marionettes of powers, they couldn't even imagine. A tortured smile flushed over Katan´s face, as he thought of how little the most human beings really knew. In fact, they were liers, all together. The said that they'd believe in god, but they didn't accept the rules he one gave them. They murdered each other, they damaged their mother earth with every breath they did more and more, and soon the earth won't exist anymore. And there was nearly no true love anywhere. He could understand Rosiel, why he wanted them to be destroyed at least. Because they did not know how special it was, each of their lives. It was a present from God, he gave them their bodies, their souls, their chance to live and to do good to all the others they had to live with. But for them lives doesn't mean anything. It was just worthless. And to see how they throw this wonderful, special gift away really hurted him. It hurted him deep in his heart. Katan sighed. He wouldn't be able to help them. And though if he had been able, he wouldn't have done it. "Dear, god, please, talk to me. " He paused, as if he waited for any answer. "Answer me!" he cried very concerned. He paused again, but longer this time. But nothing happened. Katan felt how anger raised in him. He made fists out of his hands, and shouted: "Forgive or damn me it does´ matter, but please, just tell me is this your plan? To start a battle against the best and purest beings? A war where angels fight against angels? The destruction of the world, of the beings you created after your ideal? Will you let this end in a bloody, senseless murdering?" He whispered nearly toneless sticking his hands together again like if he was going to pray. There was a silence around him now, and though this silence, he realized another aura around him. He looked up surprised. But did not turn around yet. "Who are you talking to?" He heard a very familiar voice behind him. Katan zuckte zusammen. And then he suddenly turned round. "Rosial-sama!" he whispered, and repeated it then with a normal voice. "Answer my question!" Rosiel said with a very hard sounding tone in his voice. "No.. nobody." Katan answered quickly, but he did not feel well by doing it. It was like Rosiel could look through him, as if he exactly knew, what Katan was thinking of. "It sounded like you prayed to him." Rosiel said, an his voice sounded very strange and dangerous, as he gave a short look up to the sky, before his cold, grey eyes locked again with Katan´s. It was a look, that got fully through Katan. "No. I didn´t pray." Katan insisted, but in fact he didn´t even seemed to be convinced of this by himself. Rosiel did a few steps towards Katan. " I ´ve heard lots of the things you´ve said." He began, but now his voice has changed completely. It wasn´t as cold as before any more, no, in the opposite, it was warm, it was full of understanding. "I can imagine, how you feel. You are not sure if you are doing the right thing. But you also know, that you will fight by my side, if you´ll have to. You ´re scared of what will happen. And you´re afraid, that we could lose, that I could be arrested until eternity again and that you won´t be there any longer to rescue me.". He paused and stared at Katan very long. Then he did a last few steps towards him, and laid his arms on Katan´s shoulders. "That´s nothing, I will blame you for. Those feelings are normal. You are an angel. One of the purest beings that god ever created. It´s just natural that you feel sick about thinking of blood, fight and murdering." Then suddenly Rosiel embarrassed Katan, before keeping on speaking. "I trust you, Katan. And you have to trust me." "But I do trust you." "I know. But although you have doubts." He let go of Katan, and turned around. "And as long as you have these doubts you will not be able to trust me and to believe in me, as I do. I know, what I am doing, Katan, and I want you by my side, whatever will happen, you understand?" Katan nodded without saying anything. "Well, good." Rosiel made a little gesture, which showed Katan that he should follow him. When they left the top of the building, Katan froze one moment. He had heard something. It was just a little voice, not more than an little whisper. But it was there. deep inside of himself he could hear it. A whisper in his heart, that would give him the answer, if he would be prepared to get it. But yet, he wasn´t. he didn´t listen to it. He just went on, hurried up an bit, to reach Rosiel again, who walked a few meters in front of him now.  
  
"Your depts will be forgiven." The wind blew from the top of the building. "if you just follow your heart." 


End file.
